Super Bowl Party Guests

02/04/2012 20:46


Ahh… the Super Bowl. What was once a celebrated day for only football fans has somehow turned into a veritable national holiday. Whether you’re a sports nut, housewife, or something in between, you’re expected to participate in this day of violence, gluttony, and consumerism (I know, I’m such a downer).  But really, if you’ve been to one Super Bowl party haven’t you been to them all? In my experience, even if the faces are different, the characters remain the same. You have:


1. The Human Sports Encyclopedia

This guy knows every sports fact since the 1930’s, and loves to “impress” people with his knowledge. He can tell you the name, number, and stats of every player on the field, yet he’s totally mystified when you ask him to name the vice president of the United States. Saying something like, “Uhh… isn’t it that white haired dude… ya know, Joe McCain or something.” I guess there’s no room in the brain for things that matter when it’s crammed full of sports trivia.


2. The Wannabe Fan

There’s a lot of wannabe fans, but the worst offenders are usually female. They love participating in banter about how badly your team sucks (assuming your rooting for the opposing side) and how THEIR team is “gonna kick your butt.” Truthfully, they have no idea what’s going on and just chose to cheer for the team with the cutest mascot (although they’re kinda out luck this year… a Giant and a Patriot… not cute at all).


3. The Snacker

The snacker is at the party for only one reason… the food. He eats continuously throughout the pregame, game, and postgame, with each plate stacked a little higher than the last. Anything happening on screen is secondary to meeting his goal of the perfect 15 course meal consisting entirely of appetizers. At half-time, he decides the top button on his pants isn’t really necessary, and by the end of the game, he walks out with chicken wing stained fingers and a zipper that’s falling dangerously low. You’re just glad he got out of there before his arteries completely hardened and someone had to call a medical assistant.


4. The Bored One

This person is only there because she (sometimes it’s a guy, but usually not) is tagging along with her boyfriend or husband. She has no interest in the game, but didn’t want to feel left out. Every 20 minutes or so she’ll say, “jeez a minute in football is equal to like a half hour in regular time,” or, “why do they stop the clock so much… does it keep running during the commercials?” It’s obvious to everyone she just wants the darn thing to be over with, and everyone wonders why she came at all.


5. The Drunk Guy

Amazingly, the drunk guys seems to make it to ever party (Super Bowl) or otherwise. He’s just glad someone else is providing the brewskis , and he keeps downing them like he doesn’t have to go to school/work the next morning. In his eyes, every half-time show is “the best ever,” although not as great as the time Janet Jackson showed her nipple. At the end of the night he can’t go home until he’s given everybody a hug and a good whiff of his breath. Hey, at least he’s a happy drunk.


I apologize if I’ve made a mockery of your special day. For some reason I always feel the need to rebel against anything that the general population seems to enjoy (which is why I’ve never seen Twilight and quit watching American Idol after season 1). I know, it’s a sickness…oh well.